Postcards from the Bleeding Edge
Tuesday, May 11, 2004

  Googlethrusting Chair Hanging Sex

I was, for two days, number one on google for the phrase: Chair Hanging Sex.

It came from one of the weirdest spams I'd ever received, telling me PostCards from the Bleeding Edge was number 43 for "Chair Hanging Sex". My spam filters are so good now that only the really interesting spams get through, and I spent days puzzling over how some misbehaving bot had identified me not only as a key resource for hammocks, chairs and sex, but then thrust it back into an automated database for tourism in the country of Columbia??? I couldn't figure it out, so I blogged about it sunday, bemusedly...

Only to wake up, on monday, to discover I'd catapulted from number 43 to numero UNO.

It was a dubious honor, especially wrapped as the story was around my Mother's day greeting to my mom. I'd much rather be number 1 on google for my last name, as the anti-zubrin or for beating the brand (still stuck at number 2). Sure, it's pretty good being number 1 for the other sex-related phrases that I dominate on search engines - like McPhallicism and the orgasmic happy meal - but Chair hanging Sex? Well, it beats trying it underwater...

I then amused myself greatly by going through google groups, images, and news for the phrase. Seems like Osama Bin-laden is also an expert. Uh-oh...

I oscillated back and forth on the matter. OK, if that is to be my lot, I'll go with it, I thought. Being the worlds foremost expert on Chair Hanging Sex struck me as a far more rewarding career than my pathetic attempts at being a novelist or uber-coder. Osama's too busy trying to create a bullet proof hammock to even think about having sex in one....

I spent half of monday thinking - Sure, Cliff, you might be number one on google in searches for "Apache Founders" and, you, Tim, might have beaten me out for CTO of the EFF - but me, I'm numero UNO for "Chair hanging sex" - and people throughout the world will beat a path to my door, asking questions like: "what height is optimal", "how to maintain that perfect swinging rhythm", and "what, exactly, to tell 911 when your naked partner is tangled up in a hammock underneath the collapsed eave of the porch."

I called up my good friend and biking buddy, Evan Hunt, and told him of my new mission in life. After he finished busting a gut laughing, he blogged about it... and the bastard now ranks number 2 for "Chair hanging sex", behind the electric chair. I seem to be no longer listed.

I'd like to think it was due to the google goo created by blogger breaking most of my backblog links... but maybe it was fate, destiny... naw, it was blogger screwing up... after this post I'm sure to be back on google. I can't let my new career path get unhinged so quickly.

Maybe, as co-experts in this new swinging paradigm, we'll get the lecture tours, the free cruise-ship rides, the invitations to visit hef at the playboy mansion...

Evan also pointed out Googlewacking, which is the process of coming up with a totally unique word or phrase on google. I loved the idea - I wanted desparately to coin another new word, and I started coming up with new words and phrases at a rapid clip.

I came up with a doozy. Googlethrusting - the act of fucking with google's search and indexing algorithms. Googlethruster - a program or person that fucks with google's search and indexing algorithms.

Just as "webmaster" was once a hallowed, rarified term worthy of pay rates not seen since the previous millenium, "Googlethruster" could be the next 6 figure salaried job description.

Because I kept thinking: Maybe, just maybe, I have a lever over the people paying 35 cents an impression on adwords for their hammocks and chairs. If they would just talk to me, a veteran googlethruster, I'd get them number 1 status on the informational side of google. Maybe I'd get a commission - Maybe I could get a couple hammocks and chairs to review - I'd love a hammock on my front porch.

Tuesday morning I thought: I would especially like to get the tantra chair for an extended in-house-evaluation and just as I cried out "BigBoote'! My Googlethruster will us get back to the 9th dimension!" I got an email from someone I've wanted to talk to again for nearly 20 years. I've been vibrating about that all day, but I have to admit that my first thought was: My god... did she find me by googling for "Chair hanging sex"?

I'll have to ask.




I figured 1/3s out how the bot found me, and put me in the country of "Columbia" - Sex In Politics (over there on the right side of this blog) and "On the Columbia" (also there). As the hanging part or the chair part - I have no clue... yet.

For the record, the one time I attempted sex in a hammock resulted in a call to 911. No, I'm not going to talk about it.
 
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