Postcards from the Bleeding Edge
Friday, May 30, 2003

 

Attacking the seratonin suckers



I've been frozen, locked in place, emotionally, for years in denial of the great painful events - events - that I should have let go years ago. But I stopped diarying, really, in 1982, when the pain all started, and only kept fragments going since. There were system crashes that took out part of it in 88, circumstances that made it impossible to write in most of 92-93, stolen at the end of 93 - writers block from 93-02...



All this pain has been locked up inside, unexamined. It comes out of me in weird ways and times. It warps my worldvew. I've been spending most of my mental energy NOT thinking about them, and the rest - grieving over them. The last time I tried to take on my past, 10 years ago, all these other people hit me with their needs, and I was driven to solve their problems, not my own, until I had nothing left to drive. I've felt like it was all happening again - and that last personal examination of my soul ended rather badly.

There, I wrote them down.

In the movies, once the patient has come out and acknowledged their deep inner sources of pain, they are miraculously cured and happily ride off into the sunset.

I still wrote them down, I know I will have write more on each. But, now: It's all in its filing cabinet. I can look at one, one, try to grok it in fullness and let the hurt slip away.
 
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David Täht writes about politics, space, copyright, the internet, audio software, operating systems and surfing.


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